Rabbi Shaya's Thoughts

A Litmus Test of Change

Thursday, November 28, 2019 - 12:09 PM

How do we know if a change we’ve made in our lives is meaningful? At times, for example, we may make a change just to please someone else. Is a change made to please a loved one, family member, friend, colleagues, or social group a meaningful act or not?

We might think that in order to keep the peace, we should do what it takes to make everyone happy. In other words, go with the flow, even if it’s not who we really are.

There are times when doing what others expect may be right. We follow their advice because we know they are wiser and more experienced, for example. Or maybe not: it’s also possible it’s just guilt that’s guiding our decision. How can we know?

In this week’s Torah portion, we read about Esau taking a new wife, Machlat, the daughter of Yishmael. Machlat was more than a daughter and wife; her life had special meaning of its own. The Medrash teaches us that Machlat comes from the Hebrew word “Mechila” which means forgiveness. This tells us that she was forgiven for her sins. She changed, through asking for forgiveness from G-d, and hence she became a better person.

Why is this important? Because Esau married Machlat to prove to his father that he had become a better person. He wanted to show his father he changed his ways by marring a good wife.

But did Esau really change? Esau had previously married two wives against his parents’ wishes. According to the Rabbis, these women spent all their days in adultery and idolatry.

The fact that Esau added a wife on to these two wives instead of leaving the women he had previously married tells us that he didn’t really change. He had behaved in a certain way to please his father, but the fact that he didn’t get rid of his past life tells us that his new life was not that significant.

This is our litmus test. If a change in our lives demands that we leave something behind and we do it, then we know we’re on the road to true change. If we don’t leave the past behind, then the change will be temporary.

This Thanksgiving season let us be grateful for the opportunity Judaism gives us to make meaningful change in our lives.

Shabbat Shalom.

Direct Talk vs. Dropping Hints

Thursday, November 21, 2019 - 2:03 PM

Often, I am asked why it is that we need Rabbinic Judaism. If G-d wanted to tell us something, he could have included it in the Torah, just as He has included so many other details. Why the need for the Rabbis to extrapolate it from the Torah through hints? Not only that, He has included some details more than once, such as in this week’s Torah portion, where we are told the story – twice – of Eliezer, Abraham’s servant, and his search for a wife for Isaac.

If we think about it, in our own lives we, too, say things not only once, but twice, and yet we are ignored. The best way – we hope – to be heard, is to “drop a hint.” When we speak in riddles, although our intent may be indirect, it allows the other person to figure it out, and there is a stronger desire to do what is requested.

Let’s use the example if you have a birthday coming up and you want a certain present. If you drop a hint and your beloved “gets it” there will be this “aha” moment and they will be not only willing to buy it but will do so with enthusiasm. If, on other hand you ask for it directly, your wish may be forgotten.

This is why, when Eliezer meets Rebekah’s family, he doesn’t mention the details of the story that are stated directly in the Torah; rather, he shares a miracle that is only hinted – that his trip, miraculously, was much shorter than it could have been, pointing out that this is a sign from G-d that Rebekah is the predestined wife for Isaac.

The commentators ask: Reading the text, there are more obvious signs, such as the way Rebekah cared for the camels and Eliezer at the well. Why discuss an event that happened to him, and not an interaction with Rebekah?

The answer given is because this detail is only hinted at in the Torah and not mentioned directly. It is in the “hints” that the truth is revealed.

The secrets of the Torah, the deeper meaning of the Torah, lurks beneath the surface. Eliezer was showing Rebekah’s family that Isaac and Rebekah are meant for each other not just on the surface, but that their souls are meant for each other as well.

When we hint to our spouse what we want for a gift and they figure it out, this is a good sign.

When the Rabbis derive a deeper meaning from the Torah, this reveals a strong connection between us and G-d.

Let’s find deeper meaning in the story of Rebekah and the well.

Is There Intrinsic Value in Learning?

Thursday, November 14, 2019 - 11:17 AM

Here is a question for you. You are hired for a new job and you are given the company manual to read, or the computer software to learn. You are told that you should learn this in your free time. You are not being paid for this. Is this fair? Should you be paid for being trained or should you be expected to learn the “trade” before being hired?

On the one hand, if the company wants you to learn something new, they should teach it to you on their time. On the other hand, that is why they ask for a resume in advance: To make sure that new hires have the skills that are necessary to join the company. They did not pay for you to go to college, get a degree, or learn all the skills up to this point in life, so why should they pay you to learn the last few?

I might be trivializing the issue because I think we can all agree that when it comes to work, a company has no obligation to hire anyone if they don’t think that they are a match, and a person doesn’t have to take a job if they don’t think that they are being compensated properly.

Similarly, the question applies to education. We can’t expect our children to be responsible adults when they are children, but if we don’t educate them while they are children, how do we expect them to know how to behave as adults, when they reach the age of maturity? So the question becomes, to what degree are we obligated to educate them? In other words, is it a “biblical” obligation or is it “common sense” obligation?

To further explain the question, I ask: Do we teach children how to behave just so that they will know how to behave when they are older and responsible? Or do we educate them when they are youngsters so that even while they are young, they can behave a certain way—even though we also understand that we can’t hold them accountable since they are young and immature, and they will make mistakes.

I will take the question even further. When it comes to the practice of Mitzvot, whether children or adults who are taking on a new Mitzvah: During the “educational” process, are we just learning so that one day we will be ready to “do it right?” Or is the learning itself also considered practicing, even if it’s full of errors? As an aside, when it comes to a child, there is no obligation until their Bar/Bat Mitzvah, so the question is stronger.

The answer is that even during the learning and practicing process, there is value. We might not be perfect, but Judaism is not “all or nothing.” Every little step that one takes, even just a baby step, counts. The main thing for us to do is to take that step. The focus should not be, “Are we getting rewarded for it?” because then clearly we are telling the “boss” we are not interested in the Mitzvah. Part of showing G-d that we are interested in Him is when we try to learn. When we are not focusing on success or failure, but on our effort, that is the main thing.

Becoming Complete

Thursday, November 7, 2019 - 9:42 AM

Human beings have an innate desire to be better people. At times, that desire is expressed in a competitive way with others, and at times we compete “with ourselves” by asking ourselves, “How can I be a better person today than I was yesterday?”

Of course it’s a lot healthier when we look at ourselves in the mirror and try to lift ourselves up instead of trying to put others down. Let’s rephrase that: The only way to make ourselves better is to lift ourselves up because nothing is gained by putting others down.

Yet, it is worth asking the question: Why the need to become a better person? Why can’t we just come to terms with “who I am,” and just say this is the way that nature is, or that is the way I was nurtured? Why invest in myself? Why improve myself?

In Hebrew there are expressions of praise given to people who have lived their lives to the fullest: We will call them Tamim, complete, or Ish Shalom, a peaceful person. These Biblical terms are taken from this week’s Torah portion. However, what is interesting is that the Torah doesn’t just use these expressions to describe people in their old age – such as for Noach and Abraham – but also to describe baby Isaac when he has his Brit Milah, his circumcision!

How is it that a baby can become a “complete” individual, without doing any hard, personal, individualized soul-searching? Just like that, a little “surgery” and bam, you become complete! What is it about the Brit Milah that is so important that it makes an eight-day-old baby “complete?”

Circumcision is beyond our understanding. We do it because G-d commands us to. It doesn’t have to make sense, nor does it make sense. We do so in order to connect to G-d on a deep and spiritual level. We want to become one with Him, connect to Him, beyond any reason, not because we understand, but even though we don’t understand. When we achieve a point in our lives when we do something for someone else without expecting anything in return, we have reached a level of perfection that no “self-help” book can teach us. The emphasis is not on the “I” but on the other person. It is the fact that we are willing to subjugate our egos for another person’s that makes us great. So long as we are trying to make ourselves better, the focus is still on us. As we get older, it becomes more and more difficult to remove ourselves from the picture, and that is why we circumcise our children when they are only eight days old.

However, the lesson gives us the strength to be able to continue to put others before ourselves, to put G-d before ourselves, and to continue to grow and become better people.

The name of the Torah portion is Lech Lecha, Go onto yourself. We should continue to grow and grow.