Siblings trying to position themselves within their family hierarchy is nothing new. This has been going on for centuries. It is human nature. At a young age the arguments might be about who got a better mark or who won a competition, but as we grow up, the rivalry might evolve to more substantial things such as accomplishments in life, etc.
This “positioning” is normal; but, of course, it should always be done in a respectful manner, since one should always come to the realization that each and every person is born with talents and abilities that another might not have—or perhaps, have more talent.
This makes us wonder, why is it that in this week’s Torah portion we find that Jacob called his brother, Esau, “my master” and referred to himself as “servant?” This, in and of itself, is not what one would expect. In addition, his father, Isaac, gave him a blessing that he should rule over his brother, so even if he was afraid of him, or wanted to be kind to him, using a term like “master” sounds a bit excessive, if not counterintuitive.
However, on a deeper, more esoteric level, we have to say that there was a reason Jacob used this terminology, and it wasn’t out of fear.
In general, there are two ways that one can have influence on another. Either one can try to teach and influence, by giving as much as possible and hoping something will get through, or one can put one’s self in the other person’s situation, even at the risk of a compromising situation, but this way there is a better chance of getting the message across.
The challenge with the second approach is that if the person you are trying to influence is in a bad place, when you allow yourself to relate to their situation in an intimate fashion in order to truly understand them, you are risking the chance of becoming like them. Yet, if you don’t relate to the person on this intimate level, you have a much smaller chance of actually having a positive effect on the person.
Hence the dilemma.
Jacob had this challenge. How could he have had a positive influence on his brother, Esau? The only chance he had was if he related to him on Esau’s level. But then he might risk his own spiritual wellbeing. Therefore, he did something very different: He elevated Easu. He made his brother feel good about himself! He called him “master” and Easu did not expect that. He thought his brother was going to preach to him, or look down on him, or at most, talk to him as a brother. But to look up to him? To give him a compliment? That was totally unexpected!
Perhaps Jacob was unsuccessful at transforming his brother, but he did have an influence on him.
Here is where we can learn a powerful lesson. If you want to have an impact on someone, look for the good in the other person, give them a compliment, find a way to see their strengths and don’t just tell them—say it to others as well. Let the world know why you think this person is a good person. When you think and speak positively about another person, it will have positive effects on the other person.