Anyone who is in sales or in a leadership position knows that one of the most challenging things in their job is how to influence people. In truth, if we think about it, most of society does need to influence others day in and day out, even if that is not their occupation. A parent tries to convince their child to do a certain chore. A friend might need a favor, or a co-worker a helping hand. A teacher will discipline a student in a loving way, and the list goes on.
We are not always trying to find a way to coerce someone into our way of thinking – this is not a skill set that we are looking to hone, but we are naturally doing our best to just get along. And hopefully, this is not about manipulation of another person's mind.
However, what happens when we meet a foe, a person who really rubs us the wrong way, a true challenge. How do we deal with them?
In this week’s Torah portion, Vayishlach, we read the story about when Esau is about to meet Jacob, and Jacob learns that Esau is coming with an army of four hundred men. This frightens Jacob, as he has only a small family. How will he stand up and protect himself?
The Torah tells us that he takes three steps to prepare for this encounter, but first he must perform a crucial task. He must look into his own soul and see of what he is made. He must ask himself, who is Jacob? “Why does Esau want to attack me? Do I deserve to be attacked? Of course, I know the story that happened in the past – but has anything changed? Can I show Esau that things have changed?” Once Jacob starts searching his own soul – understanding who he has become over the last thirty-four years since they saw each other, he now knows how to prepare for the encounter—with the three steps.
First step: He sends gifts to his brother. The gifts show Esau that he doesn’t hate him. True, they have gone their own ways, but that doesn’t mean that they hate each other. Two paths for two people, yet they still have more in common than they have that divides them.
Second step: He prays to G-d that his family be spared any hostilities between Esau or Esau’s men and his family. He prays that their meeting will be a peaceful one.
Third step: He prepares for war. G-d forbid that Esau decides to attack, Jacob hopes that his family will be spared. The Torah tells us that he divides his family and his possessions in half. He puts his family in one area, and all his animals and his material possessions in another area, thinking that if Esau really wants to fight, he might see the option of taking the spoils of war. Hopefully that would satisfy him, and he would leave Jacob’s family alone.
The story concludes peacefully, with Jacob and Esau kissing each other, and all goes well.
The lesson for us is profound. One of the biggest hindrances in getting along with other people, let alone influencing them, is that we don’t know who we, ourselves, are. Once we take stock of ourselves, it makes our job that much easier.