Sometimes in our dealings with people we unintentionally hurt someone, and at times we ourselves are offended. If this occurs, it is easy to forgive since we know there was no ill intent. However, what happens when someone intentionally upsets us? Not only are we hurt, but we ask ourselves, does the person deserve a punishment? Let’s be honest—a part of us wants the person to get punished even though it will not fix our hurt feeling. This feeling comes from the innate desire to get revenge. Since most of us are uncomfortable admitting to this feeling, we say that we forgive, yet still hope that the person is punished. This is not a healthy feeling, nor is it what the Torah expects from us.
Here is a fascinating three-step approach to forgiveness.
The first step is to forgive so that the person is not punished. Actual punishment and the suffering of another person should not be on our account, even if the other person is not ready to ask for our forgiveness, let alone if we are still holding a grudge. The first thing we have to do is to let go. Allow life to go on without anyone hurting.
The second step is to forgive so that the sinner can go through the process of repentance. If we are not willing to forgive, then the person cannot really repent either, since we are holding them back. Even if they don’t know this, it will be a hindrance to them. This does not mean that we dropped the innate need for revenge; rather it means that we are not projecting our feelings on the other person.
The final step is to forgive for our own benefit. It is not healthy for one to harbor negative feelings against someone else even if there is no harmful outcome. This is not about the other person, but about us. That is why this step is the hardest of all. It is not about punishment or about our relationship with the other person; it is about our own selves. How do we view ourselves? Are we self-absorbed or can we make room for another person in our lives?
This final step we learn from Moses in this week’s Torah portion, Chukat. After the Jews complain – yet again – a plague breaks out. Moses prays to G-d to end the plague on behalf of the people, even though he has every reason not to. The reasons not to, come from his feelings of disgust about the Jews. He could have said they deserve it, and he would have been right. But that is not what he said. He forgave them and asked G-d to do the same.
We should learn from Moses.