There are many books written about the tricks of the trade of how to influence people. On the surface, it sounds so fake, selfish, and self-serving, like all you want out of the relationship is something for yourself. You want the other person do to what you want.
But is that really the meaning of “influence?”
Many people ask this question about this week’s Torah portion, which talks about the story of the ten plagues, and G-d hardening Pharaoh’s heart, making him stubborn and not allowing the Jews to leave Egypt. Was Moses trying to “influence” Pharaoh to let the Jewish people leave Egypt? At the same time, G-d was heartening his heart? What kind of game was going on over there?
True influence doesn’t come when it is forced on someone, when you make someone do something because you are more powerful than they are, or because you are paying them to do something.
For example, when you tell an employee, a loved one, or even your attorney to do something for you, if the person doesn’t believe that it is the right thing to do, even if they do it, they are doing it half-heartedly—unless they are convinced, because you influenced them, that that is the right approach. That is why you want to learn how to influence. This is not because you are selfish, because if it were just for selfish reasons you could get them to do it anyway, but because you want the act to be meaningful, and to be done with a full heart.
The same is true with Pharaoh. G-d could have forced him to allow the Jews to leave Egypt. He could also have just taken the Jews out of Egypt against Pharaoh’s will. Yet, that was not the plan. G-d wanted Pharaoh to want to let the Jews out of Egypt. This way the evilness of Pharaoh would be broken down and not come back to hunt down the Jews. This is a transformation! It is not an easy path, but a path worth taking.
This is why there is so much advice on how to influence people and to make a change in their lives. Not because you can force them to do what you want. But because you don’t want to force anyone into doing anything. You want them to do things willingly. And happily.